If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run."
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend."
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find."
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh."
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back."
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update."
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete."
[question posted by Raynebow]
responses and comments:
Very amusing. You copied this from a site or something? [kataztrophy]
no it was sent to me so i put it on here...OK? [Raynebow]
Say! That sounds great! But maybe there'd be some frankensteinian complications that we can barely imagine.. I'd have to read the fine print? [flowerchilde]
Lol if only too bad its not [magdollars23]
Thank you 4 responding. [Raynebow]
Unfortunatly we would then be prone to certain viruses and instability. We would receive error messages that did not make any sense to us and when the alarm clock went off we would suddenly find that we could not boot up properly. [Asylum]
True Thank you 4 responding [Raynebow]
I guess we can only dream of life being so easy. [carmat]
thank you so much for responding. [Raynebow]
I Want To Get Screwed A young man was tired of chat rooms, and went to town looking for a little real action. An evil cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there. When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked, the panel slid open, and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK. Slide twenty bucks in the slot." answered the voice. The man did as instructed, the panel closed, and the man waited. Nothing happened. After awhile, he began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open again. "Hey," exclaimed the man, "I said, I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice. "Again?" @@@ Heaven For Free This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and the wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" [rekhag900]
Virus Alert! Ellen Degeneres virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Monica Lewinsky virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Titanic virus - Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus - Quits after one byte. Prozac virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Sharon Stone virus - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there. Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Tim Allen virus - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact. Woody Allen virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. Saddam Hussein virus - Won't let you into any of your programs. Tonya Harding virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. George Michaels virus - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup. Joey Buttafuoco virus - Only attacks minor files. X-files virus - All your Icons start shape shifting. Spice Girl virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Ronald Reagan virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus. -Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Sony Bono virus - Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere. Martha Stewart virus - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop. Oprah Winfrey virus - Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB. AT&T virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. [drk2011]
Clinton's Shoes House majority leader Richard Armey (R-Tex) was asked what he would do if he was in Clinton's shoes. "I would be looking up from a pool of blood, hearing my wife ask, 'How do you reload this thing?'" ========= RICHARD NIXON, JIMMY CARTER, AND BILL CLINTON are on the Titanic. When it starts to sink CARTER yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" NIXON: "Screw the women and children." CLINTON: "Do we have time?" ========== Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton get caught up in a tornado and transported to the Yellow Brick Road, where they make their way to the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard asks what each wants. "I want a brain," says Quayle; "I want a heart", says Gingrich. "Where's Dorothy?" asks Clinton. ========== One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theater." said Abe. ========= Q. What did Arafat say to Clinton? A. "Sheep don't talk, my friend." ========= Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was like Monica Lewinsky's. She replied, " Close, but no cigar." [maddygenpact]
Letter From Camp Dear Mom, Our scout master told us to all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? [sweetraj64]
What Bill Was Thinking Transcript from what Bill was really thinking when he addressed the nation on August 17, 1998: Good evening. (I can't believe I'm here when there's so much good tail to be chasing). This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Scared less and sweating like a pig.) I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. (Unless you like to read Penthouse Forum and believe they are all true too!) Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (Besides, I don't have any choice) As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. (I lied like a cheap rug) Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.(She rode me like a bronco buster) In fact, it was wrong.(She's a great piece of ) It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. (I am such a dumb F*#K) But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. (And you're supposed to believe this too. Would I lie to you??) I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that. (What's upset Hillary the most is that I wouldn't share Monica with her) I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. (I'm as horny as a 17 year old) First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (She caught me spanking my monkey) I was also very concerned about protecting my family. (God I hope they buy this crock of bult). The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. (I'll say anything to convince myself). In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, (Back when Hillary and I used to actually have sex together..... with each other) dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. (But has found every single other person involved with it guilty, dead, fled the country or refusing to talk.) The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation (He keeps finding everything we thought we had safely buried. This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. (But Vince Foster really did commit suicide. I mean it, he really did. I was there when it happened.) Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most (Gennifer and Monica)-- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. (Except resign.) Nothing is more important to me personally. (Except having some sweet young thing just throw herself at me and give me my own one-gun salute). But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. (But damn, it does sell newspapers. Good thing I bought those 10,000 shares of Knight-Ridder at 18 1/3). Even presidents have private lives. (And getting a little on the side is supposed to be a perk of the office). It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. (Besides, the "Gentleman's Dreams" Escort Service is sending me over a couple of new girls in about 10 minutes. I get really horny when I'm under a lot of stress) Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. (My part was easy. I just stood there while Monica did all the work. I love that gal!) That is all I can do. (What, you think I'm really running the country?) Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on (Yeah, move on to those two girls coming over). We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, to grab) real problems to solve, (I have to learn how to hold it in longer. I hate coming so soon) real security matters to face. (Get some new locks put on the doors to the Oval Office) And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, (and look at the real spectacle of the past 5 1/2 years) to repair the fabric of our national discourse, (and the fabric of Monica's stained dress) and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. (all those young girls who will soon be ripe for the picking). Thank you for watching. And good night. (F*#K you). [soniabhangan]
I Want To Get Screwed A young man was tired of chat rooms, and went to town looking for a little real action. An evil cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there. When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked, the panel slid open, and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK. Slide twenty bucks in the slot." answered the voice. The man did as instructed, the panel closed, and the man waited. Nothing happened. After awhile, he began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open again. "Hey," exclaimed the man, "I said, I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice. "Again?" @@@ Heaven For Free This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and the wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" [sushyadav]
Virus Alert! Ellen Degeneres virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Monica Lewinsky virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Titanic virus - Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus - Quits after one byte. Prozac virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Sharon Stone virus - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there. Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Tim Allen virus - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact. Woody Allen virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. Saddam Hussein virus - Won't let you into any of your programs. Tonya Harding virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. George Michaels virus - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup. Joey Buttafuoco virus - Only attacks minor files. X-files virus - All your Icons start shape shifting. Spice Girl virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Ronald Reagan virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus. -Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Sony Bono virus - Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere. Martha Stewart virus - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop. Oprah Winfrey virus - Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB. AT&T virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. [aish4u]
Clinton's Shoes House majority leader Richard Armey (R-Tex) was asked what he would do if he was in Clinton's shoes. "I would be looking up from a pool of blood, hearing my wife ask, 'How do you reload this thing?'" ========= RICHARD NIXON, JIMMY CARTER, AND BILL CLINTON are on the Titanic. When it starts to sink CARTER yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" NIXON: "Screw the women and children." CLINTON: "Do we have time?" ========== Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton get caught up in a tornado and transported to the Yellow Brick Road, where they make their way to the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard asks what each wants. "I want a brain," says Quayle; "I want a heart", says Gingrich. "Where's Dorothy?" asks Clinton. ========== One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theater." said Abe. ========= Q. What did Arafat say to Clinton? A. "Sheep don't talk, my friend." ========= Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was like Monica Lewinsky's. She replied, " Close, but no cigar." [pagalkutta007]
A Rich Man Has An Accident A man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!!!", he demanded. "You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my!", exclaimed the man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!!" @@@ Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No." Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral." [smritilove]
Airplane Safety As heard on airline? "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." THE SMOKING SECTION "We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." ROUGH LANDINGS As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella ... WHOA!" An announcement made by the head flight attendant after landing: "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!" An airline pilot tells us that on a particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, giving them a smile and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" On a flight into Amarillo, Texas, after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." GREAT EXIT LINES "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." [tamtam786]
OH can I please have a close and send button, id use them more then an easy button lol [rracers89]
LOL yeah that would be nice. [Raynebow]